Style Invitational Week 1293: Constitutional unconvention Rewrite or explain one part of it in a funny way. Plus the winning fake trivia about animals. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers , Style Invitational editor August 16 (Click here to skip down <#report> to the winning bogus trivia about animals.) Who knows — our current president may well have perused the U.S. Constitution top to bottom, all seven articles and 27 amendments, the preamble and the closing endorsement, sometime in his life. Okay, /we /know. C’mon. But don’t you think the USA CEO /might/ actually find some of it interesting if it were presented in a livelier format? Reader Tod Cramton suggested a series of marching cheers; let’s broaden that idea: *This week: Humorously translate or explain some part of the U.S. Constitution: *with a funny example or analogy; as a pithy proverb or slogan; in a short poem, a song parody, a graphic, you name it. Be sure to tell us what specific part of the Constitution you’re translating. Your version may be, but doesn’t necessarily have to be, aimed at the president’s particular attention span or interests. Submit entries at the website *wapo.st/enter-invite-1293* (all lowercase). Winner gets the *Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place: Some brand-new *Undies for Two , *a white polyester bikini brief with four leg holes positioned that two people wear it together, facing each other verrry closely, as if clamped together by one of those big tight rubber bands that go around broccoli in the produce section. “Getting in them is half the fun!” promises the box, so you still have the other 50 percent to make the best of your immobility. Donated by Loser and Style Invitational Devotee Kathleen Delano, who sanely declined to model them for the readers of The Washington Post. *Other runners-up *win our “You Gotta Play to Lose” Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, “I Got a B in Punmanship.” Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, “We’ve Seen Better” or “IDiot Card.” First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). *Deadline is Monday night, Aug. 27; *results published Sept. 16 (online Sept. 13). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week’s results is by Chris Doyle; Chris also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . “Like” Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational * The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *WHAT A CROC! TOTALLY BOGUS ANIMAL TRIVIA FROM WEEK 1289* **In *Week 1289* we sought to extend our crusade to misinform our readers to Kingdom Animalia with these Fictoids of Fauna: 4th place: Despite their reputation, clams have a surprisingly high rate of depression. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) Underclothes encounters: This week's second prize. 3rd place: The world’s most expensive bacon comes from the guinea pig. (Susanne Pierce Dyer, Green Valley, Calif.) 2nd place /and theanimal appendage finger ornaments :/ John Williams drew inspiration for the “Jaws” theme after hearing about a shark attack survivor who continued to play piano with his remaining two fingers. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: Shar-Pei, deflated. (Pedro Parro via Wikipedia) When fully inflated, an adult Shar-Pei can reach up to seven feet in circumference. (David Schwartz, Fairfax, Va., a First Offender) Just No stories: Honorable mentions Since the appointment of Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke, the only animal in Montana that hasn’t been removed from endangered-species protection is the jackalope. (Susanne Pierce Dyer) Some synagogues offer bar mitzvahs for dogs when they turn 1.86. (Russell Beland, Fairfax, Va.) The armadillo is found in Washington, D.C., only at the zoo, while the peccadillo is constantly being discovered. (Lynne Larkin, Glenn Dale, Md.) According to Hinduism, cats have only one life. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) Most species of owls in Central and South America have a call that sounds like /¿Quién?/ (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) The painting “Dogs Playing Poker” was based on a secretly acquired photograph of dogs playing poker. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) Alanis Morissette wrote the melody to “Ironic” while listening to the songs of female sperm whales. (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) The male orange clownfish has a genetic predisposition to bone spurs. (Dottie Gray, Alexandria, Va.) Even though Arnold Schwarzenegger can’t pronounce “ferret,” he keeps seven of them as pets. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Albino frogs can’t jump. (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) Amazingly, Nostradamus correctly foretold that Bigfoot porn would be an issue in a Virginia congressional race. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) To address the current farm labor shortage, giraffes are being used to pick fruit off tall trees and load it gently into waiting trucks. (Susanne Pierce Dyer) “Rainbow” trout got their name when biologists at fish hatcheries noticed them forming same-sex pair bonds. (Megan Durham, Reston, Va.) Cat hairballs can be inserted in the auditory canal to prevent earaches. This technique is often practiced by older men. (Kathleen Cross, Silver Spring, Md.) Despite years of trying, fish simply cannot play baseball. All but 5,000 South Floridians have acknowledged that fact. (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) The trumpeter swan has a small, flap-covered hole on its neck to drain saliva. (Jeff Shirley) It actually takes at least four butterfly wing-flaps in the Pacific Ocean to create a hurricane. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Lions prefer to sleep on the open savanna. They sleep very poorly in jungles or near villages, particularly when there ishigh-pitched singing nearby. (Duncan Stevens) In Greek, “hippopotamus” means “water horse,” while in Swahili it means “butt ugly.” (Steve Fahey, Kensington, Md.) Paleontologists have found fossils of the ancestors of modern buffalo that bear vestigial wings. (Duncan Stevens) While many people know that Sumatran kopi luwak coffee comes from beans eaten and excreted by the palm civet, fewer know that the Sumatran tree sloth poops decaf. (Brendan Beary) Before the evolution of the various big-cat species, giant balls of string roamed the savannas. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Cockroach milk, touted as a “superfood,” is so popular in Brooklyn that several coffee shops there now offer “cafe roachas,” as well as “splattes” sprinkled with a smashed-roach garnish. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) Rin-Tin-Tin’s contract demanded that he have a bigger dressing room than his human co-stars, and it always be stocked with abowl of M&M’s containing only gray ones. (Russell Beland) All wombats are female. The males are called mbats. (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) Except for the species /Mellivora melania,/ honey badgers do care. (Ed Sobansky, Bowie, Md.) Recently released video has caught bald eagles wearing straw head coverings during mating season. (Lorna Jerome, Waldorf, Md., a First Offender) Cockroaches are so named because they taste like chicken. (Larry Gray) Scott was beaten to the South Pole by Amundsen because of his tragic decision to use sled penguins. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) In Mexico, the inside joke is to tell gringos that the “mole” sauce on their chicken is made from chocolate and not the real ingredient, blended Mexican mole lizards. (Lorraine McMillan, Alexandria, Va.) The Puritans referred to marital relations as “playing possum,” since they moved as little as possible. (Jeff Shirley) Mr. Ed’s voice was dubbed for the TV show because he spoke only German. (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Aug. 20: our contest for limericks featuring words beginning with gl- through go-. See wapo.st/invite1292 .*